shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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