Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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