Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
