I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
