You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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