When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
