I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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