I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
