mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
