Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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