I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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