Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
