I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
