I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
