FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
