Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
