why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
