After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
