I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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