I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
