I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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