You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
