I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The uberlube is also flammable
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
