I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
