Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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