I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
