He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
