found the other keg... it's in the tree
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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