o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
