I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize