Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
