Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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