3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
