I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
