Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My vagina is very pro this idea
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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