Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
