I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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