i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
