I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
