I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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