you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
