You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Who died my cat blue again?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
