Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
