In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
