The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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