He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
