Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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