i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
