that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
