Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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