If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
