Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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