I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
