he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
