I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
