I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
